Learn to Live Without
by plainwhitewriters13
Summary: Emily had always wanted kids, but she never imagined Clyde Easter would be the father. Circumstance had forced her to spend the last eight years on a different continent from her children, but that was about to change. Now Emily is left to struggle with her reluctant and uncooperative twin teenagers as she tires to prove she can be a good mother after all these years.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of the _Criminal Minds_ characters.**

**A/N: Hello there readers! misaerie13 and I, leahloahla, have created this joint account to publish our new story. This is something we have been working on for a few months now and we thought it was time to post the first chapter. We'd like to thank ****mitchymonster134 because it was originally their idea but let us give it a shot. **

**Now this story is set in an AU season 9, and Emily's past isn't exactly the same as it is in the show. For our story we felt it was better that Emily never worked the Doyle case while she was with Interpol, and therefore never left the BAU at the end of season 7. Also JJ never worked that case with Cruz, so she didn't get abducted in season 9. We've also decided that Strauss didn't die at the end of season 8.**

**We hope you enjoy and don't forget to let us know what you think!**

* * *

Learn to Live Without

It had been a slow week; no cases and not much action for anyone. With their regular share of gossip slowly coming to a halt, life at the BAU was dull to say the least.

The bullpen was filled with the sound of agents busily typing reports and finishing paper work. The sound was almost soothing but Emily was quick to put in headphones and listen to music today because she couldn't be distracted. She was tired and with it being Friday afternoon, she felt she owed it to herself to get home early this evening. Once her lunch was over Emily blocked everything out and worked straight on like a machine.

Every once and a while she would take a moment and glance over at her colleagues. Morgan was bothering Reid per usual, and trying to slip extra files into the genius' already towering pile. Rossi was in his office. Sporadically, he would take breaks and visits Hotch who never seemed to leave his confined space.

Three thirty came around and Emily was pleased by her progress. She figured she only had an hour's work left so she decided to take a much needed snack break. Slowly, she pushed her chair out from under her desk and got up, then walked into the break room with Morgan right behind her.

"So Princess, any big plans for the weekend?" Derek asked pleasantly as he poured himself another glass of water. He leaned up against the edge of the counter and took a sip.

Emily smiled a bit and thought about her plans. Honestly she had no plans at all. She thought that relaxing would be nice for a change. "I don't know. I think I'm just going to have a do nothing weekend." She laughed. God, was it ever nice to know that she would get a quiet couple of days to herself.

He laughed a bit then turned around and watched his partner scavenge through a box of granola bars.

"Did you eat all the peanut butter ones?" she muttered irritably as she emptied the box out on the counter. Emily only ate the peanut butter ones and everyone knew it.

Shyly he replied, "I might have seen Reid munching away on one this morning." He laughed and gave her a playful nudge.

She narrowed her eyes at the young agent at his desk. He had made a big mistake. "Oh he better watch his back."

"For a genius he sure does some stupid things" he said. Truthfully, Derek was scared for the young profile's sake. Emily wasn't herself lately and considering the problems she had been having with her kids, she had a good enough excuse. But it sure was hard to tell when she was joking anymore.

Emily settled for a banana from the bowl of fruit on the counter and began eating it.

Just as she finished her last bite, Anderson came running into the break room. "Agent Prentiss, Clyde Easters is calling from Interpol."

* * *

Emily sighed and ran her hand through her hair. Knowing this conversation would not be short nor enjoyable, she took a seat then picked up the phone. "God, what now?" she muttered under her breath before lifting the phone to her ear and mouth.

"Clyde?" she greeted coldly and distant.

"Hello darling, how is your day going? You sound pleasant." Clyde's sarcastic voice greeted her. She rolled her eyes. It was as if she could see the cocky grin plastered to his face. Some things never changed when it came to him. He has and will always be a self-centered son of a bitch. His narcissistic voice made Emily want to rip her ears out. Today was no exception.

Emily frowned and leaned back in her chair. She let out a loud groan before she answered. "You can't possibly think that I would believe for even a second that you're calling just to talk about my day. Seriously Clyde, just cut the crap. What did Ethan do now?" Clyde called on three occasions. The first was when he needed advice on parenting. The second was when their daughter was having girl problems. And last and most commonly, when Ethan had gotten himself into trouble.

Lately he had been out of control.

"Well hello to you too Em." He began trying to lighten the mood before discussing the matter at hand. If his ex girlfriend and colleague wasn't already furious she would be soon. "_Your son_ will be calling tonight so he can explain what he did at school today. I must warn you this one is really his best work thus far."

Her son? Why was he suddenly not their son? Because Clyde did not think that he influenced any bad behaviour. He knew about Emily's past and all the wild and irresponsible things she enjoyed as a teenager. As far and he was concerned it, ran in their blood. Her genes influenced unacceptable conduct. Emily gritted her teeth as she listened to her ex. "Why is it when he does something wrong he's automatically my son? God Clyde!"

She leaned down trying to muffle some of her voice. This was a personal conversation and she didn't want everyone in the bullpen to hear it. "I thought you said you had this under control," she whispered harshly.

"I do. He's been expelled for the rest of year. I think it is a very fair punishment considering he could have easily been arrested." Clyde tried to explain but Emily was not considering expulsion as a bonus no matter the situation.

"Arrested? What did he do?" she shrieked. At that both Morgan and Reid turned to look at her, staring curiously. When she noticed their eyes on her she turn to the left to face the wall.

Emily has always been one of those people who liked to keep her personal life far away from her professional one. It had worked for many years but now, with her son acting out she was getting constant calls day in and day out explaining his wrong doings.

Her nights were spent worrying. What next? What might happen to him? She prayed he would soon realize the harm he was doing to himself.

"He will tell you tonight."

Emily heard a shift in the Brit's voice. As if someone were standing beside him, the comment directed at them. "No Clyde. You tell me what our son did."

"Well you already know that he's been getting himself wrapped up in the drug world for the past couple months."

"You say that like it's normal for your 15 year old to be a drug addict."

"He not an addict. I'm helping him."

"Sure you are, because you have that kind of time on your hands." Her sarcastic remark was cut off by his flaring temper.

"For bloody sakes!" Clyde growled. "You can't judge me on how much I am here for them. Tell me Emily, when was the last time you had a face to face conversation with one of your children? At least I live on the same continent as they do. Just listen to what I have to tell you without judging my parenting skills. You have no right to tell me what I'm doing wrong. It's hard taking care of them by myself."

"If they lived with me, it wouldn't be hard for you to take care of them," she said in a dismissive tone.

"That is not my fault. If you truly wanted to be a part of their lives you could have stayed in London." He stopped, knowing that he had overstepped a boundary. Emily didn't leave because she wanted to. It was forced upon her. Clyde gave her no choice. She had to get away from him.

She went completely silent after that comment.

Emily was furious now. Of all the card to play, he chose that one. She wanted to scream. To throw the phone at the wall. Clyde frustrated her to a point that she wanted to burst into tears.

Clyde cleared his voice. "Dear, Ethan thinks that it's okay to brings drugs to school. He also thinks it is okay to leave campus so he can 'blaze'. Today he spent his morning dealing to other students in the locker rooms."

"And they expelled him?! I want to speak with him right now! Where is he?" She knew that she had spoken far too loud this time. Both Hotch and Rossi had stepped out of their offices to see why the brunette agent was upset.

Her eyes found Hotch's but she quickly looked away.

Clyde breathed deeply. "He is on the couch in my office. If you want to yell at him, know that I already have done so. We will call you tonight."

The line went silent but neither one ended the call.

Before he could hang up Emily asked softly, "How's Kate?"

"Very embarrassed that she is related to Ethan but other than that, she good per usual."

Emily felt relieved. At least one of her children was acting responsibly. "I'm happy that she's doing well. Get her to call me later. I want to know how things are really going for her. I'm sure there are things she isn't telling you."

"And how do you know that?" He chuckled.

"Call it mother's intuition, and I saw something on Facebook a few days ago. I want to speak with both of them tonight." It made her sad to think that the best way to understand her daughter's life was through social networks. "Tell them that I love them. I should probably go now..."

"Em wait..." He paused. "There's something else that we need to discuss."

"Okay?" she replied with apprehension evident in her voice.

He cleared his throat, about to speak. He seemed nervous, which was odd, because Clyde was always over confident.

"It's about the twins..." he began before he changed his mind. "Actually nevermind, we can talk about it later. I'll let you go."

"Okay I'll... Ummm... We'll finish this when you call." Emily hung up the phone and stared aimlessly at the ceiling, completely unaware of the spectacle she had made.


	2. Chapter 2

Emily left work early, or at least it was early for her. Because of the time difference she didn't want it to be too late at night for the twins. The whole drive home she had been preparing herself for this call. Ethan had always been a handful, or according to Clyde he was. She saw them as much as she could, but she knew it wasn't enough. Had she stayed, things might have been different. She couldn't possibly have stayed in the same house with them because she and Clyde could barely last ten minutes without getting into an argument, but she could have made more of an effort to stay in London.

The ringing of her phone brought Emily out of her thoughts. She sat herself down at the kitchen counter and took a deep breath. She answered the call, but couldn't bring herself to say anything.

"Hi Mum," Ethan said, breaking the silence.

"Hey," she replied quietly.

They lapsed back into silence, Emily not knowing what to say. Her anger had dissipated, leaving mostly confusion and sorrow. Of course she was still furious about the whole situation, but she didn't have the heart to yell at her son in that moment.

"Say something," Ethan blurted out, "Please say something. Yell, swear, scream; I don't care. Anything is better than silence… Please."

The lump in Emily's throat only grew after hearing Ethan's plea. She swallowed thickly before she finally found her voice.

"Ethan, honey, I'm not going to yell at you. I know your father already covered that." She took a deep breath before continuing. "I'd just like to know why you did it. What could have possibly driven you to the point of selling drugs in school?"

"I'm sorry, Mum. I just… I needed some money. I know it was wrong, but you understand, right?"

"No Ethan, I don't understand," she said, her anger returning. "If you really need money so badly, you can call me. If you ever need anything I will find a way to get it for you, as long as it means you will stop making stupid decisions like this!"

"I knew what I was doing the entire time! It wasn't a stupid stunt I did on a whim just to see what would happen. I was well aware of the consequences."

"Then why did you do it in the first place?! You could have at least left the school property!"

"I never liked that school anyway. All the people there are just a bunch of prissy twits," he muttered.

"Oh Ethan," Emily sighed and shook her head. She still didn't know what to say. She wanted to fix everything for him, but she couldn't. It was his mistake and he needed to learn from it.

"I really am sorry, Mum," he said quietly.

"I know you are," she replied. "Just don't do it again!"

"Yeah, okay," he agreed.

"Good." She nodded even though she knew Ethan couldn't see her.

"Do you want to chat with Katie?" Ethan asked after a moment of silence. "She's been sitting here patiently waiting for her turn." He laughed.

"Yeah okay," Emily replied as she moved to sit down on the couch. She could hear mumbling on the other end of the line as the phone exchanged hands.

"Hi," Kate said.

"Hey Sweety," Emily replied with a small smile on her face.

"How was your day?"

"Just peachy. You can always count on Ethan to make the day exciting," she said with a hint of sarcasm.

"You had a test earlier this week, didn't you?" Emily said, trying to spark a conversation.

"Yep," was Kate's response.

"How did it go?"

"Fine. Like always."

"That's good."

During the pause in their conversation, Emily heard a cell phone ring on the other end of the line.

"Mhmm," the teen mumbled.

"So all is well at school? No one's giving you problems or anything like that?" Emily was fishing and she knew it, but she wanted to have an actual conversation with her daughter.

"Yeah, school is great. My friends are great." Kate's cell phone rang again.

"I'm glad to hear that," Emily replied. "How's Clyde been?"

"A bullheaded bastard, like usual," she said dryly.

"Kate Alexandra!" Emily exclaimed.

"What? You know it's true." Emily could hear the eyeroll in her voice, along with Kate's phone ringing again.

"It still isn't a nice thing to say," Emily replied, while trying to hold back a chuckle.

"Since when have you cared about what I say?"

"Excuse me?" Emily was obviously taken aback by her daughter's comment.

"Nevermind. I have to go. Jamie needs help with our math homework," Kate said.

"Oh, okay then." She paused. "Tell Clyde I want to talk to him."

"Okay," Kate replied.

"I'll talk to you again soon. I love you," Emily told her daughter.

"Yep. Bye," Kate said.

Emily sighed for the umptienth time that night as she heard shuffling on the other end of the phone.

"Hello Emily," Clyde said as he shut a door behind him. She figured he had retreated to his office so the twins wouldn't overhear their conversation.

"Clyde," she replied.

"How was your day?" he asked calmly.

"Cut the crap, Clyde," she snapped. "I'm not in the mood for pleasantries." She stopped herself before she would say anything else that would make the situation worse. She took a deep breath before continuing. "You mentioned there was something else we needed to discuss. What is it?"

"The guidance counselor from the twins' school suggested that they should spend some time with you. They think this is Ethan's way of acting out. They think this was his way of seeking your attention. Maybe they should spend a couple months with you? I'm sure Kate would love the time with her mother for once."

Emily remained silent for a moment, contemplating what he had told her. Of course she would love to have the twins live with her, but they would be uprooting their lives. She knew how hard it was on a kid to just pick up and move halfway around the world on a moment's notice.

"Did you hear me, Emily?" Clyde asked, breaking her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah, I heard you," she replied slowly. "I'm just not sure it would be the best thing for them to do in the middle of the school year."

"Well Ethan's already been expelled, so it won't be too much fuss for him. And Kate is a genius so she should be able to adapt easily." He paused before continuing, "I do think the counselor is right Em. It'll be a good opportunity for them."

Emily sighed; he had a point, but she knew there was something else he wasn't telling her.

"What's really going on?" she asked.

"I don't know-"

"You just admitted someone else was right," she pointed out. "So I'm going to ask you again. _What is really going on?_"

It was Clyde's turn to sigh.

"We've been working on a case and it now requires me to go away for a while. I don't know how long I'll be gone for, so it would be better for everyone if the twins just moved to the States with you, indefinitely."

"I see," Emily mumbled, not quite sure of what to make of the conversation. She knew something was wrong, but she certainly hadn't expected it to be that.

"Look Emily, if you don't want to take them, there's always boarding school, or-"

"No!" she exclaimed as she registered his words. "They can come live with me."

"You're positive?" He sounded skeptical, which only fueled Emily's frustration.

"Of course I'm positive! No child of mine will be living in a boarding school."

"I'm only asking because this is a big decision." She could hear the hesitance in his voice; he was walking a very fine line. "I just want to make sure you can handle it."

"You're making it sound like I'm completely incompetent!" she cried. He definitely crossed the line. "In case you've forgotten, I took care of them for seven years."

"Yeah and I raised them for the other eight. Raising little kids and raising teenagers require very different skill sets."

"You didn't even raise them yourself! You hired a nanny to do it for you!"

"But I was still here," he argued. "I didn't run away to a different continent and start a new life without them."

Clyde was very lucky he wasn't in the same room as Emily, because that comment would have warranted him a punch in the face. Her blood was boiling at that point, her anger and frustration reaching an all time high. But since she couldn't punch him over the phone, she had to settle on using her words to inflict the blow.

"You're doing exactly that right now," Emily said in a low voice, laced with venom. "You're dumping them on me and running away, just like I did to you all those years ago. Despite what you think, you're no better at being a parent than I am."

That certainly shut him up pretty quickly. She heard him sigh heavily and she imagined he was running a hand through his hair, an action he only did when he was very stressed. She still wanted to punch him, but she would have to settle for knowing she could still cause him so much emotional pain.

"I know, Em," Clyde whispered. "So will you take them or not?"

"Of course I will," Emily replied softly.

She was going to continue, but a knock on her front door interrupted her. Emily glared in the direction of the offending sound, hoping the person on the other side would go away. They didn't though, and knocked again.

"Emily, I know you're home," they called. "Your car is out front."

It was JJ standing on her front stoop. Emily panicked for a second, thinking she had forgotten about plans she had with JJ, but then remembered they didn't have any. Emily sighed as she moved through her house to the entryway.

"I have to go, Clyde," she said. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay, have a good evening," he replied and hung up.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you all for reviewing and following this story! We hope you like the next chapter. And let us know what you think!**

* * *

Emily took a moment to collect herself before opening her front door. She took a few deep breaths in an attempt to slow her racing heart, and when she finally felt calm enough, she opened the door. JJ stood on the other side of the doorway, holding a bottle of wine in one hand while the other fidgeted with the necklace she wore.

"Hey JJ," Emily said worriedly. "Is everything alright?"

JJ chuckled and smiled a little before answering, "I actually came here to ask you the same question."

"You didn't have to do that," Emily replied as she opened the door for JJ to come in. "And you certainly didn't have to bring red wine."

"I know, but I wanted to." JJ took off her shoes and followed Emily into the kitchen. "Earlier today it seemed like something was bothering you, so I thought you might want to talk. Or just drink. Either one is fine with me."

"You know, sometimes I liked you better before you were a profiler," Emily said with a smirk as she pulled two glasses out of the cupboard.

"Oh please, I brought wine," JJ replied with her own smirk. "I know you love me."

Emily smiled as she shook her head at the blonde as she poured JJ a drink. She was so glad to have such great friends in her life; sometimes they knew her better than she did. She hadn't realized it earlier, but she was happy that JJ came over. Otherwise, she would have ended up drinking alone in her big empty house. The growling of Emily's stomach interrupted her inner musing, and it dawned on her that she hadn't eaten anything since noon.

"Have you eaten yet?" Emily asked as she reached into the freezer.

"Yeah, I have," JJ replied and glanced at the clock. "It's after seven o'clock; what have you been doing for the last few hours that you didn't get a chance to have supper?"

"I was on the phone," she said and pulled a small microwavable lasagna out of a box. After putting it in the microwave, Emily poured a glass of wine for herself.

"I didn't interrupt anything did I?" A brief look of panic crossed JJ's features at the thought.

"No, it's fine," Emily reassured her. "I can only stand Clyde's ego for so long before I want to start screaming, and I was just about reaching that point when you knocked."

"Derek told me about the conversation you had with him today at the office," JJ told her. "He wouldn't tell me the specifics but I know it was loud."

Emily nodded and pursed her lips. "In hindsight, I _probably_ should have found a more private place to have that conversation."

"Derek said that the entire bullpen was silent at one point, and everyone was staring at you," JJ replied with a small laugh.

"Oh God," Emily groaned. She could feel the blush creeping up her cheeks. "I didn't even notice. I feel terrible."

"It's alright Em, don't worry about it." JJ gave her a reassuring smile before taking sip of wine. "So what happened? I still haven't heard what the whole thing was about."

The beeping of the microwave saved Emily from answering right away. She pulled out the steaming dish and set it on a plate while trying to come up with the words to explain it to her friend. She almost wished that JJ had been in the bullpen earlier so she wouldn't have to explain it. As she turned back to the blonde with her dinner in hand, she gave up trying to form a decent string of words, and decided to blurt it out.

"Ethan got caught selling drugs on school property, and they kicked him out."

JJ's reaction was what Emily was expecting. She gasped and cursed before her gaze found Emily's. She could see the pity in the younger woman's eyes.

"I'm so sorry to hear that! Is he okay? Are you okay?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, you know him; he's alright. That kid certainly knows how to roll with the punches. Clyde did give him a pretty good tongue lashing though." She took a bite of her food, hoping to end the conversation, but JJ raised her eyebrow, urging her to answer the other question. "I'm fine," she said after swallowing. "A little disappointed in him, but I can't complain all that much. I left them with Clyde; it's a wonder the two of them turned out as great as they did."

"He didn't raise them by himself though-did he? I mean, with his job it seems like it would be pretty difficult," JJ replied.

"I stayed with them in London until they were seven, then that's when I got the job at the BAU and moved here. We hired a nanny before I left so she helped Clyde after I was gone," she answered.

Emily was being very generous towards Clyde with what she was telling JJ. She didn't mention the fighting, the screaming matches that would last hours between the two of them. She didn't tell her about the countless times she kicked Clyde out for the night, not really caring where he went or what he did. But she was also protecting herself. She didn't want JJ-or anyone-to know what a horrible mother she had been to her kids in the months before she left. If they thought she was a workaholic now, they should have seen her back then. Of course, when Emily realized what was happening she hated herself for it. She still did to this day.

"So how's Kate handling all this?" JJ's question snapped Emily out of her thoughts.

"Clyde told me she was fine, kind of embarrassed, but okay other than that. She seemed like herself when I talked to her on the phone," Emily replied.

"So what else is bothering you?" Her voice was gentle, knowing she needed to coax it out of her friend.

"What do you mean?" Emily decided to play dumb, and shoved a few more bites of food into her mouth.

"You've been picking your nails all day, especially since I've been here tonight, and you've been avoiding eye contact," JJ pointed out. "I know there's more going on than what you're telling me."

"Have I mentioned my dislike of profilers yet today?" she murmured in response.

"It's alright if you don't want to tell me right now; I just want you to know I'll still be here for you when you do feel like talking," JJ replied with a small smile.

"Thank you, I really appreciate it," Emily said with her own smile. "But it's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just…" She sighed before taking a long sip of her wine. "It's still a little unreal for me just thinking about it."

"Well maybe talking about it will help," the blonde suggested.

"Yeah maybe you're right," she agreed. Emily dumbed what was left of her supper in the garbage and the dishes in the sink. "Let's go into the living room."

They both grabbed their glasses of wine, Emily taking the bottle and they moved into the more comfortable room. As Emily sat down she examined the bottle JJ had brought with her, noticing the fairly expensive brand, as well as the high level of alcohol in the wine.

"Where'd you get this?" Emily queried, still looking at the label.

JJ smiled sheepishly. "I stole it from Rossi…"

"Really?" Emily raised an eyebrow. "And he let you live? You should get some of the good stuff for me. I could never get any out of him. Maybe he has a thing for blondes."

"Ew don't even go there!" she exclaimed with a laugh.

Their laughter died down quickly as their thoughts moved back to the reason they were sitting there. Emily took a few deep breaths as she settled herself on the couch. She knew it didn't have to be this difficult to say, she didn't need to be so worried about telling JJ. She was going to have to tell the team about it anyway. She was more concerned about what else might slip from her mouth during the explanation. She knew that once she started talking she might not be able to stop. But she pushed those thoughts away; she had to if she wanted to get this out.

"Today, Clyde told me that he's working on a case," Emily finally began. "And it's going to require that he goes away for an indefinite amount of time. That means the twins need a place to stay; he suggested boarding school but I can't ship them off like that. I told him they can come here, to live with me."

"Em, that's great!" JJ exclaimed with a smile. "Well, it is for you, maybe not so much Clyde…" The smile slid from her face. "Maybe it's not so great?" she questioned when she noticed the lack of excitement coming from Emily.

"No, it is. It is pretty great," she agreed while still staring down at her hands. "I haven't seen them since last summer when they were here for a couple of weeks, and now it's all going to change. It's exactly what I've wanted; it's the reason I have this house instead of an apartment."

"Then why am I more thrilled about this than you are?"

Emily sighed and took a sip of her drink. "It's going to be a big adjustment for them. They're moving to a new country, leaving their friends behind and starting over. It will be good for Ethan, it'll give him a fresh start. But Kate… she's not going to like it. I always hated my mother for dragging me around with her from place to place, and I never wanted to do that to my kids. And yet here I am, ripping them away from their lives." She stayed quiet for a moment, contemplating what she was going to say next. "When Katie was younger, we would always watch movies on Saturday night. It would be just the two of us and she was always so excited about it. We would get all the blankets we could, and make a fort in my bedroom, we would pig out on chocolate and candy and sit cuddled up together until we fell asleep. Now it's like pulling teeth to get her to talk to me. She's taken her father's side, not that there are sides, but she has. She hates Clyde, but she hates me more…"

She couldn't even meet JJ's eyes after making that confession; she had never admitted that to anyone before, and she barely let herself think about it. Now JJ sat there stunned, trying to come up with some kind of response.

"I don't know how you do it," JJ said quietly while looking down at her wine glass. "I don't understand how you can handle being so far away from your children. I can barely handle being away from Henry while we're on a case, and you do it every single day."

Emily bit her lip as she stared down at the coffee table. "I can't," she finally replied just as quietly. "Every day, I die a little because I know that they're growing up and I'm not there to see it. I didn't make the decision to move halfway around the world on a whim. It took a lot of consideration on my part, but in the end, it was about the twins. I needed to do what was best for them, and at the time, it was not being there. I was doing more harm than good."

"I don't believe that." JJ shook her head as she moved from her chair to sit beside Emily on the couch, forcing Emily to meet her gaze. "I've seen you with Henry and Jack; you care for them so much, you spoil them rotten. I can't believe that at any point you were a bad parent to your kids."

"It's true though," she insisted. "You didn't know me back then JJ. During the last year I lived with them, I was…" Emily shook her head, searching for the right word to describe herself. "I was preoccupied with my job. I was distant. I was _tired._ Clyde and I would fight and then it just kept getting worse, especially after-" Emily stopped herself before she could finish the sentence. She hadn't planned to tell the blonde her history with the twins and Clyde, and yet it was just spilling out of her.

"After what?" JJ questioned when she noticed Emily wasn't going to continue on her own.

"It was my day off," she began, not believing she was about to tell her this. "Ethan, Katie, and I were out running errands when my phone rang. It was about a case and I had to answer it. I only took my eyes off of them for _a minute_, but it was long enough for one of them to wander off. I don't think I've ever been more terrified in my life than in that moment." She took a long sip of her drink to avoid seeing the pity in JJ's eyes. "Turns out they were just around the corner looking in a store window, perfectly fine and completely unaware that I almost had a heart attack.

"When I told Clyde what happened, he was furious, which I had expected. I was so disappointed in myself, so mad at what I had done… Like I said, the fighting became worse after that and I realized how much the twins were suffering. I knew that if they were ever going to be happy, one of us had to go and Clyde certainly wasn't willing to be the one."

Emily downed the rest of her wine as she waited for JJ to say something.

"You are one of the strongest women I have ever met," she replied, shocking Emily.

"No, I'm not!" she exclaimed and leapt up off the couch, putting her glass on the table as she went. "I ran away. I left them because I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't want them to hate me and it happened anyway!" Emily paced the room as she ranted, almost walking into the coffee table at one point.

JJ stared helplessly as Emily continued walking around and picking at her nails. Emily was definitely in a mood that a pep talk wasn't going to cure. So JJ poured her another glass of wine as she waited for Emily to calm down a bit.

"I need them to know that I can do this, that they can trust me," Emily continued. "How am I going to do that? And I have to get everything ready for when they get here. I need to buy more food, fix up their rooms, look into getting all their stuff shipped here, choose a new school… Oh God, I'll have to talk to Strauss!"

"Right now, you're over thinking it," JJ told her. "You need to sit your ass back down before you wear a hole in your floor, and have another drink. You'll figure everything out, but first you need to just relax and let yourself process this new information. It's going to be a big change for all of you, and you need to get used to the idea. So sit, and drink."

Emily wandered back over to the couch and accepted the glass that was offered to her. JJ was right, she just needed time to calm down and when she had a clear head she could focus on all the little pieces of the puzzle that needed to be put into place.

Hours passed and more drinks were poured, mostly by Emily, resulting in her current inebriated state. Their conversation had reached a lull as JJ sat in a chair and Emily was curled up on the couch.

"He didn't want them," Emily mumbled after taking a sip of her wine.

JJ was confused for a moment; she didn't know exactly who they were talking about, but she knew it was best to let Emily continue where she was going with that train of thought.

"When I first told him," she said, more clearly this time, "he wanted me to get rid of them. That's what he said. _Get rid of it. Take care of it,_" she mimicked with a British accent. "I couldn't believe him. I was so angry, I hit him."

"Clyde?" JJ managed to squeak in her state of disbelief. She had never seen this side of Emily before, and certainly never heard her talk about this.

"I couldn't do it though," Emily continued, not hearing JJ. "Not again."

JJ's mind was swirling with even more questions than she had when she first showed up on Emily's doorstep earlier that night. Emily sounded so broken, so defeated that it broke JJ's heart to see her friend in this state.

"We weren't even in a serious relationship," Emily said after taking a drink. "Hell, it was barely a relationship at all! It wasn't supposed to mean anything, it was supposed to be no strings attached. He was furious at first, but he came around. We wanted to give them a good life. We really did try to make it work…" Her voice faded into a whisper, and it seemed like Emily was trying to convince herself more than JJ. "One night he came home, completely drunk off his ass. I hadn't seen or heard from him in three days," she continued. "He was pissed and so was I. We ended up yelling at each other and I didn't even notice the kids got out of bed to see what was going on. They were confused and _so scared_ by what was happening. It broke my heart to see the tears streaming down their little faces. They shouldn't have seen us like that; no kids should see that side of their parents. That was the night I realized I had to leave. I couldn't let them see that ever again."

JJ's eyes had drifted down to stare at her glass while Emily was talking, but the sound of a sob drew her eyes back to the other woman. Emily wasn't one to cry, but there she sat, hugging a couch cushion with tears making their way down her cheeks. JJ moved to the couch and took the glass from Emily's hand before wrapping her arms around the brunette. Emily rested her head on JJ's shoulder while she rubbed her back soothingly and whispered reassurances in her ear. Emily's tears subsided after a couple of minutes and she pulled out of JJ's embrace.

"I'm sorry," Emily said quietly as she wiped her eyes.

"It's okay. Everything is going to work out. We're all here for you Em, don't forget that," JJ replied. "It's pretty late; why don't we get you to bed?" she suggested.

"Alright," Emily agreed and JJ helped her to her room.

After making sure she was all settled for the night, JJ returned to the living room and brought the empty bottles to the kitchen along with their glasses. She straighten up a bit more before calling a cab and locking up Emily's place as she left. She knew that Emily might not remember all of what happened that night very clearly, but JJ hoped that she would remember what JJ told her: that her team would always be there for her, no matter what.


End file.
